"blatant truths"; or, 'a brutalist breakdown'
an experiment in poetry, "brutalism", and weird shit from 3-4am
LIE TO ME.
lie with every fiber of your being
Lie like you're trying to avoid me.
lie like a LIFE DEPENDs on it
tell me THESE BEAUTIFUL LIES because the truth is too much for me:
you're a valid human being
even if you don't have your shit together
you matter to me and to others
but it's okay if you don't think that's important
I know you suck at communicating but I understand you
and so I am not surprised by all this
you aren't weirdly clingy, CARING ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS is healthy
even if you told me THAT ONE THING i wouldn't think it was weird
things are going to be okay
you WILL SURVIVE this
i no longer have the ability to lie to myself
so i need you to do it for me
now for your test:
will I be okay?
will YOU be okay if I'm not okay?
what the fuck is even wrong with me?
(you know this one)
you PASSED the test.
the test wasn't for you anyways.
the test waS FOR ME.
am I actually okay?
how bad should I feel about not getting help?
Now that you took the test, I have an answer:
But if I was in any state to go get help I wouldn't need help.
THIS is my life in a nutshell
That black zone is the way things are now.
But the green zone is all the ways I can meaningfully change things.
Those are all PROBABLY WORSE.
I call it my discomfort zone.
I fucking hate my life,
but I hate the thought of change even more.
as nice as it would be
if I could juST CODE MY Way out of all my problems
that's not how this works
so i'll just sit here at 3:30AM and type some nonsense
but then i'll wake up in the morning and go "oh god what the fuck was I thinking" and delete this
so instead of asking you to lie to me
i'll go face the blatant truths:
- I am not confident in my ability to continue to exist for the foreseeable future.
- I'm actively preventing myself from taking in hope and optimism.
- I've been like this for longer than you've known me.
- I should be scared, but I'm not, and that should scare me, but it can't, etc.
- I need help.
- I won't get help.
- thiNGS CAN"T GO ON like this things CCANT go on liKE THis things cant GO ON LIKE this this isnt working this isnt working this isnt working THIS ISN T WORKING YOU CANT ACT LIKE THIS IS WORKING I am losing it oh MY GOD