"blatant truths"; or, 'a brutalist breakdown'

an experiment in poetry, "brutalism", and weird shit from 3-4am

LIE TO ME.

lie loudly

lie quietly

lie early

LIE often

lie with every fiber of your being

Lie like you're trying to avoid me.

lie like a LIFE DEPENDs on it

tell me THESE BEAUTIFUL LIES because the truth is too much for me:

• you're a valid human being

  even if you don't have your shit together

• you matter to me and to others

  but it's okay if you don't think that's important

• I know you suck at communicating but I understand you

  and so I am not surprised by all this

• you aren't weirdly clingy, CARING ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS is healthy

• even if you told me THAT ONE THING i wouldn't think it was weird

• things are going to be okay

• you WILL SURVIVE this

i no longer have the ability to lie to myself

so i need you to do it for me

now for your test:

will I be okay?

will YOU be okay if I'm not okay?

what the fuck is even wrong with me?

(you know this one)

CONGRATULATIONS!

you PASSED the test.

the test wasn't for you anyways.

the test waS FOR ME.

am I actually okay?

how bad should I feel about not getting help?

Now that you took the test, I have an answer:

REALLY.

FUCKING.

BAD.

But if I was in any state to go get help I wouldn't need help.

THIS is my life in a nutshell

That black zone is the way things are now.

That's BAD.

But the green zone is all the ways I can meaningfully change things.

Those are all PROBABLY WORSE.

I call it my discomfort zone.

I fucking hate my life,

but I hate the thought of change even more.

as nice as it would be

if I could juST CODE MY Way out of all my problems

that's not how this works

so i'll just sit here at 3:30AM and type some nonsense

but then i'll wake up in the morning and go "oh god what the fuck was I thinking" and delete this

so instead of asking you to lie to me

i'll go face the blatant truths:

1. I am not confident in my ability to continue to exist for the foreseeable future.
2. I'm actively preventing myself from taking in hope and optimism.
3. I've been like this for longer than you've known me.
4. I should be scared, but I'm not, and that should scare me, but it can't, etc.
5. I need help.
6. I won't get help.
7. thiNGS CAN"T GO ON like this things CCANT go on liKE THis things cant GO ON LIKE this this isnt working this isnt working this isnt working THIS ISN T WORKING YOU CANT ACT LIKE THIS IS WORKING I am losing it oh MY GOD